Paranormal Activity was one of the most annoying cinema experiences I’ve ever had. Not because of the film, that was creepy enough to move Wolverine to a tremble and was packed with some excellent dialogue, but because of the audience and the shitty theatre I watched it in. I don’t think there’s anything more annoying than a bunch of people who go just to laugh at the quiet, atmospheric moments and react in exaggerated ways to the shocks. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been to see plenty of horror films and I know the drill, but when someone sits next to me and eats popcorn so loud it sounds like they have boxing gloves for hands, I know I’m not going to have a good time. I just want it to come out on DVD, then I’ll be able to watch it on a decent screen, with a decent sound system and not have to dig my fingernails into my legs like a psycho. Jesus.

Toy Story was one of the biggest films of my childhood, after maybe The Lion King, so the fact that there’s a third on the way makes me want to start wetting the bed all over again. This new trailer may not be considerably different to the one previously released, but you’re going to sit here, watch it and damn well enjoy it. When this finally hits cinemas, watching it had better make me feel like I’m being punched in the face with a handful of joy, or else…something.

Lauded by Robert Ebert as the best film to premiere at this year’s Toronto Film Festival, Edward Norton’s Leaves of Grass looks like it might actually be pretty decent. The film follows the story of two twins, both played by Norton, whose lives once again come together when one of them is lured back to their hometown to try and help the other scam a local drug lord. Basically, it’s a film about weed with Edward Norton in it. I don’t see any downsides. Anyway, forget my ramblings, you watch the teaser whilst I go and track down some of this Oklahoma home-grown it mentions.

Do not enter into Funny People expecting another light-hearted Judd Apatow comedy of the Knocked Up ilk, because it’s thoroughly depressing. Yes, you will laugh occasionally, but for most of the film you will sit quietly and wonder why the hell you rented it. I’m not saying it’s an entirely bad film, Adam Sandler delivers a decent performance as morally challenged comedian George Simmons, but it will definitely suck the positive atmosphere out of your day/night. If the atmosphere wasn’t positive to begin with then you’ll probably just end up killing yourself. Needless to say, I didn’t really enjoy it. It made my mouth go all droopy at the sides like a sad cartoon character and I had to drink like three bottles of Sunny D to perk myself up again.

So, according to Box Office Mojo, Zombieland had a production budget of $23.6m and managed to gross over $80m worldwide, sounds all well and good right? Apparently not. Writer Rhett Reece has been on Twitter this week moaning like a little bitch because his film is being rinsed on torrent sites. “Beyond depressing. This greatly affects the likelihood of a Zombieland 2,” he wrote, making us all feel absolutely…er…terrible. I paid cold hard cash to see Zombieland at the cinema but had I known Mr. Reece was such a whiny toddler, I would have spent my money on rotten eggs and toilet roll and visited him in the dead of night instead. You’re dead to me Rhett! Dead I say!